I feel pretty squeezed these days. I am under all kinds of trendy pressure right now. Unemployment, poor job market, aging and ill parent requiring care, student loans looming . . . . I'm tempted to leave it at that because it feels so lame to stress or complain about the same issues that everyone is struggling with these days. I do want to write about it though, particularly because it is so difficult to talk about how I feel. Added to that, feeling silenced--feeling like I don't deserve to speak or that no one will listen--makes the sense of isolation worse.
We have been busy these last few weeks attending orientations, interviews, and looking for apartments. Yesterday, I was very upset to discover that I actually wasted quite a bit of time and money on those things because my husband thinks it would be better for us to live with his parents for a month or so to save money before we sign a lease. And by "better" he means "we pretty much have to." And I know what "a month" means but this "or so" business is ominous to say the least.
I was, am, devastated. And that word is actually not dramatic enough to really express how I feel.
That said, I do understand that this situation is probably not what anyone involved has been dreaming about/hoping for/longing for. I get that it pretty much sucks for everyone. But . . . .
I don't think I can do it.
Aside from just not wanting to, I am not in a place where I have the necessary mental or emotional fortitude. One thing I have discovered this year is that my physical health depends much more strongly on the general health and well-being of those two factors than anything else I might do. This puts me in the position of wondering if a month "or so" of discomfort, turmoil, and general unhappiness will set me back for the rest of my life.
Again, I think the words I've chosen are probably not dramatic enough.
- I feel backed into a corner without viable choices. These are triggers.
- This move would be isolating, and in this situation, only isolating for me. This is a trigger.
- I would not have the privacy that I am used to or basic control over my environment. More triggers.
- I would have no physical outlet or escape. This is the overwhelming panic button.
Those are broad strokes of how powerless and alone this decision makes me feel. Just typing and looking at the words is enough to make my chest feel tight, to make my breath short.
I don't think I can do it--but I don't know what else to do.