Working On My Fitness: No Breaks

Pinned from here . . .  and of course, there's a Pinterest board for that!

Happy holidays and all that.

The holidays are weird.  Do we celebrate them so much as we endure them?  Just me?  Okay.

The thing that I have learned this holiday season is that if I slack off anywhere, it should not be on my gym schedule.  I took a break from working out the week of Thanksgiving because of traveling and weird work schedules and that break stretched into about three weeks-almost without my notice.

There were no physical changes to snap me back to my senses.  Instead, I noticed a steady slump into depression.  Not working out regularly is a little too taxing on my mental and emotional health.

Here's the thing. . . I don't LOVE working out.  I am mortally embarrassed by the people at the gym who like to make love to themselves in the mirrors with their eyes while working out.  I am a little put off by the manic sounding fitness updates of some of my more committed facebook/pinterest/internet friends.  I can't imagine myself ever looking forward to just sweating.  If I ever post a selfie from the gym I have probably been coerced in some way.  Like-it might actually be a proof of life thing because I've been kidnapped.  Seriously-call someone.

But, I have come to realize that I NEED  to work out. 

I need to go out and do things that are really hard for me because focusing on doing those things makes it possible to just be quiet in my mind.  I guess working out is a kind of meditation space for me.

I need to work out because I need to stick to a schedule that is just mine.  Every other part of my day feels like it has been taken up by things I need to do for other people.  I work to make money for myself, sure, but my schedule is still dictated.  My fitness schedule is really the only one that I have complete control over.

This wild impulse to commit some holiday martyrdom over Thanksgiving meant I relinquished my schedule in favor of other things. . .  and it did not go well.  I felt more stressed, more rushed, and more unhappy than I have felt in a while.

So I will be heading back to the gym-along with everyone else this month.  

Regimen Building: Beauty, Skincare Edition

It has been many months since my last henna and indigo.  Hence, I have a giant, honking white hair right up in the front.  This hair is even wirier than the rest of my hair-the better to stick out no matter what style I attempt.

It's giving me major angst.

It really does look like a trick of the light when you look at it.  Unless you KNOW.  If you know it looks like this.

Personal Image

What's funny is that I never thought I would be the type to freak out about aging-probably because I never really thought I would.  I have a chubby baby face and good genes.  I have aunts who haven't seen thirty in decades who still look like they are in their late twenties.  Why can't my hair get with the program?

As I was ogling my gray hair in the mirror, I noticed something else.  I have a smattering of blackheads and a few things that look suspiciously like pimples.  What the hell!  I have never had issues with these things in the past.  Is this what edging up on thirty will bring?  Will it be wrinkles and turkey neck next? 

Okay-I knew I had some issues.  This bad boy has been stressing me for months.

Personal Image

All of my efforts to remove it have met with varying degrees of failure.  Wes and I tried squeezing it out with an extractor tool.  That was working, however, the pain of pressing against that particular area was too much for Wes to take.  (It hurt like a mother so I couldn't force myself to do it.)  Wes backed out when my eyes started to tear up.

Me: Seriously-is this what birth is going to be like?
Wes: Are you comparing squeezing a blackhead with birth.
Me: Don't change the subject.
Wes: You know, you could do this yourself.

Since that episode, I've left the spot, and my hair, alone while I did some of my trademark internet research.  (This consists largely of product reviews on Makeup Alley and youtube)

Can I just add-googling "blackhead" will send you to some of the grossest, nastiest . . . . horrible videos on the internet.  It's late for Halloween but OMG.  You really might not want to click that link.

My next henna treatment is going to have to wait until we have our own place because it's an involved process and my application skills are still a little messy.  As for my face-I determined that what I really needed was to establish a skincare regimen.  

Personal Image

A regimen is defined as a way of life or diet for the promotion or restoration of health.  A skincare regimen for me, specifically, would include those factors I believe necessary to restore the balance of my skin and maintain that balance.  

I decided on cleaning, treatment, and maintenance as my key areas.  I also decided to invest.  

1, 2, 3, 4

For regular cleansing, I decided to go with (2) SheaMoisture's black soap because it doesn't contain any gross stuff.  That is my general term for sulfates, parabens, etc.  This soap is not drying and it can be used for face and body.  However, it is pricey so I have only been using it on my face.  It is also black soap which means the lather will be black.  This can be a little jarring the first time you use it.

On the treatment end, I also picked up the (1) St. Ives Apricot Scrub.  It contains salicylic acid which is used to treat blackheads.  Additionally, for direct application I went old school with an (3) astringent from Clean and Clear.  I only apply this on affected areas-so that giant polka dot on my nose gets the treatment two or three times a day.  

The centerpiece of my new regimen is this little at-home microdermabrasion tool from (4) Olay.  This one was pretty expensive at 29.99.  There are less expensive machines out there by other brands but I chose this one because it was the most flexible and most cost effective over time.  You can use this with the exfoliating product it comes with or the product of your choice.  Additionally, the brush is multi use and replacement brush heads are ten dollars.  Similar products require you use their replacement products and I really didn't want to commit to that.

The first time I used this I was surprised that it was much more gentle than I expected it to be.  It was actually more gentle than most facial scrubs I have used.  After using it though, I noticed that my face was brighter and noticeably smoother.

My tentative skincare routine will include morning cleansings with black soap followed by astringent on problem areas and moisturizer.  Three evenings a week I will use the microdermabrasion tool followed by moisturizer.  The remaining evenings I will clean with soap, treat with astringent, and moisturize.  (After this attack phase, if you will, I think I will switch to using the St. Ives scrub two or three nights a week, followed by astringent and moisturizer.)

In other words.  . .  out, damned spot; out I say.

I'll let you know how it goes.

*As far as moisturizers go, I generally prefer Cetaphil.  I do have a sample size of a Eucerin moisturizer that I have been using but I'm really not feeling it.

Which Way is Up?

I think I have reached the point where making good choices is no longer an option because all of the choices available suck.

I feel pretty squeezed these days.  I am under all kinds of trendy pressure right now.  Unemployment, poor job market, aging and ill parent requiring care, student loans looming . . . .  I'm tempted to leave it at that because it feels so lame to stress or complain about the same issues that everyone is struggling with these days.  I do want to write about it though, particularly because it is so difficult to talk about how I feel. Added to that, feeling silenced--feeling like I don't deserve to speak or that no one will listen--makes the sense of isolation worse.

We have been busy these last few weeks attending orientations, interviews, and looking for apartments.  Yesterday, I was very upset to discover that I actually wasted quite a bit of time and money on those things because my husband thinks it would be better for us to live with his parents for a month or so to save money before we sign a lease.  And by "better" he means "we pretty much have to."  And I know what "a month" means but this "or so" business is ominous to say the least.

I was, am, devastated.  And that word is actually not dramatic enough to really express how I feel.

That said, I do understand that this situation is probably not what anyone involved has been dreaming about/hoping for/longing for.  I get that it pretty much sucks for everyone.  But . . . .

I don't think I can do it.

Aside from just not wanting to, I am not in a place where I have the necessary mental or emotional fortitude.  One thing I have discovered this year is that my physical health depends much more strongly on the general health and well-being of those two factors than anything else I might do.  This puts me in the position of wondering if a month "or so" of discomfort, turmoil, and general unhappiness will set me back for the rest of my life.

Again, I think the words I've chosen are probably not dramatic enough. 

• I feel backed into a corner without viable choices.  These are triggers.

• This move would be isolating, and in this situation, only isolating for me.  This is a trigger.

• I would not have the privacy that I am used to or basic control over my environment.  More triggers.

• I would have no physical outlet or escape.  This is the overwhelming panic button.

Those are broad strokes of how powerless and alone this decision makes me feel.  Just typing and looking at the words is enough to make my chest feel tight, to make my breath short.  

I don't think I can do it--but I don't know what else to do.

The Weight: Documentation

I feel like a slug these days.  My energy is low and I am generally depressed, moody, and anxious.  A huge part of all of these things is the level of uncertainty in my life right now.  Added to that, my health and fitness routine have suffered significantly in my general domestic chaos.  We have spent so much time on the road in the past weeks that we have not been eating as cleanly as we should either.

This epiphany has led me to two responses:

• This won't do.
• I need to get back on track.

Even though we are packing up and preparing for a move, I can commit to maintaining enough open floor space to work out at home.  Right now my time is very much my own so I need to take advantage of that.

My ace in the hole though, is documentation.

Source

When I first began working hard on my health and fitness routine, I documented pretty much everything.  I was tracking my fasting blood sugar daily and I kept a food diary with those measurements and my after-meal readings.  In addition to that, I also documented my weight, my measurements, my fitness minutes, and my workouts.

When I lost that first twenty pounds, I eased up on my documentation routine.  I think that was a mistake because not writing down my workouts and not writing down what I have been eating has made me less accountable to myself.

Documentation is essential, even if it is documentation of only one thing.  There is quite a bit of writing about tracking calories, food, carbs, or whatever out there on the internets, but my favorite article on the subject by far is How to Properly Track Progress over at Nerd Fitness.

I created a simple spreadsheet in Google Docs to track all of my numbers.

Image is my own

It is not nearly as cute as the log image I found on Pinterest, but it does lay it all out there at once with no frills.  If you have a fundamental aversion to spreadsheets, there are a ton of online fitness tools and entire communities that are built around really nice documentation tools.  SparkPeople is my favorite.  You might not be able to tell from this screenshot, but in lieu of a food diary, I only included total carbs and total calories for the day.  I got that information from the food tracker tool at SparkPeople.

I am getting back on the wagon with tracking my activity.  Looking through my numbers and seeing the progress trend has made me wonder about where I am now and anxious to get back on the path towards a healthier, fuller life.

Ouch

Source

I have not been sticking to my workout schedule these last two weeks.

Excuses, they say, are the tools of the incompetent, and I have many, many tools.  The main one is that my gym membership expired with my student status.  I have a plan for working out at home, but somehow it's much more difficult to put in the hours in my living room.  At the gym, there's only the one thing to do-work out.  At home, the overflowing laundry basket, the overflowing kitchen sink, and general disorder keep calling my name and drawing me out of the zone.

I sucked it up Thursday and got a workout in.

Cardio: Two mile walk
Bodyweight Exercises: 50 Prisoner Squats, 15 Inverted Pull Ups, 30 Pushups (5 military style), 5 Dips, 10 Lunges (per side), Plank, Side Planks
Weights: Deadlifts (46 lbs total), Rows (46 lbs total), Clean and Press (46 lbs total), Chest Press (46 lbs total), Bicep Curls (18 lbs total)

All of my weighted exercises are done with dumbbells because that's what we have.  Most of these ended up being two sets of six reps each but for deadlifts I did thirty total in three sets of ten.

Even though it's been awhile since I did this workout, I was able to go heavier on everything except the bicep curls.  I think I need to go even heavier next time because I'm not feeling it in my upper body at all.

My legs, however, are screaming for mercy.

I still took them on a two mile walk this morning.

GANGSTA.

Fitspiration

I’m not sure exactly how I fell down the tumblr rabbit hole but I am pretty sure that it had a lot to do with a random link under an interesting picture.

There has been a lot of chatter in the media and on the Internet about obesity, health, and (either blatantly or covertly) race.  Heart disease, diabetes, and asthma seem to be conditions that disproportionately affect people of color but the overwhelming takeaway from reading articles and watching news reports is that people either don’t know or are unwilling to make the necessary lifestyle changes to correct the problems-diet and exercise.

This is far from the whole story-probably far from even a quarter of the story, of course.  But this explanation . . . is easy.  It is simple, short, and it gives us all plenty of time to bang out a pseudo-thoughtful facebook status that ends with a subtly judgmental smh. 

Building on that basis, it isn’t surprising that people of color don’t seem to have much of a presence in health and fitness imagery.  The myth that black people, particularly black women, don’t work out seems to be a reality, especially if you look at gym advertisements, fitness magazines, and commercials.

I stumbled into fitspiration because I went looking, specifically, for people who looked like me.  I did and didn’t find them.

Fitspo, like thinspo, is, apparently, a thing that exists now.  In one sense it’s always existed.  Everyone has ideas about aesthetics that are influenced by things that we’ve seen.  The difference today is that we have Pinterest and tumblr and the ability to somewhat obsessively monitor and disseminate every new image we see.

There are positives.  Pinterest is fairly useless as a search engine, but tumblr is where the real action is.  My favorite sites are Fit Black Girls and Curvesporation.  I had to pick two because while Fit Black Girls has images of women of color, these images are almost entirely of athletes, models, or women in peak physical condition.  

Fit Black Girls

Some of them stretch the imagination as far as what “fitness” means (is perching on an exercise ball holding three pound dumbbells while arching your back and showing as much cleavage as possible a fitness move?  Never heard of it) and some cater almost exclusively to the male gaze.  

Who is working out like this?

I'm not an expert on bikinis . . . but is it safe to say that this one is too small?

Source

Curvesporation has the same focus but it also contains more images of women who have not yet achieved goal weights, women who are not trying, and a body positive focus.

Source

When I obsessively check these sites, I tend to look at them with a satirical eye.  I can look at an image of an eight pack and think, “I should work out.”  I don’t think, “I have got to get a fucking eight pack. BY. ANY. MEANS. NECESSARY.”  I mean an eight pack is nice and all but if I have to walk around backlit and perpetually dewed with beads of sweat to really show it off, is it worth it? 

The problem with fitspo, much like thinspo, is that these images can become goals for people and the images themselves can be made up of so much fiction.  Photoshop, creative lighting, makeup, professional photographers . . . .  I know what you're thinking, what about the cell phone photos?  If any man has ever sent you a cell phone pic of his junk then you know that angles can be deceiving.  Also, Instagram.

These images aren’t goals for me . . .  yet I check them obsessively.  Why?  FBG helps me counteract the negativity directed towards black women in the media.  There are some "WTF! For real!" images on there, but for the most part it presents a powerful, and different, aesthetic.  Curvesporation, unlike some other sites, is very real food and healthy body positive.

Source

This article helped me gain more perspective on the issue and to pay more attention to where these images are coming from-especially the ones with ridiculous slogans.  Read it.  Please.  If you are into fitspo, please make sure that you monitor your responses to what you are seeing.  I ask myself if I feel motivated or de-motivated?  Does this make me happy?  Does this make me hate myself?  Am I becoming more mindful about making good choices or am I simply becoming anxious?

Fitness should be about self-care and your mental health is a big part of that.

The Weight

Take a load off Fanny.

I have taken a hiatus from the majority of my life for the last month or so.  Most of my time, effort, and attention has gone towards refining my nutrition and fitness.

Why?  Well, in January I discovered that I was very, very close to developing type two diabetes.  While I wasn't exhibiting any symptoms, my test results were right on the line.  Stress, trauma, poor eating habits, and depression have been wreaking havoc with my physical, mental, and emotional health for years and my body just could not stand up to the pressure any longer.

I can't accept that.  More to the point, I refuse to accept that.

So I've been working on me.  Since January, I have lost sixteen pounds and, more importantly, lowered my A1C by .7 points and my fasting blood sugars to under 100.

I use the resources at my disposal, including the university health center.  The health promotion department, particularly the nutritionist, is wonderful.  I have also been signing on for a healthy dose of therapy.*

I have tried to lose weight before under desperate mental and emotional circumstances without success.  These days, counseling is what is keeping this boat on smooth(er) waters.  The holistic approach, focusing on body and soul, is keeping me together.

It has not been easy.  Or cheap.  Or pretty.  So far it has been worth it.


*I could go on about black folks and our aversion to seeking mental health services-but that's a post for another day.

The Primal Blueprint: Reprogram Your Genes for Effortless Weight Loss, Vibrant Health, and Boundless Energy

I have been contemplating a lifestyle change for a while now.

There is so much that I want to see and do and I think that my level of health and fitness is holding me back.  Added to that, I'm not getting any younger and I want to avoid, if at all possible, the illnesses that have started to strike older family members.

Wes and I have flirted with primal eating before and it definitely had noticeable benefits for us.  We both visit Mark's Daily Apple a lot but this week I finally broke down and bought the whole book.

I am so glad that I did.*

Lately I have been doing the rounds at the health center.  I'm there so often and in so many different departments that people are starting to remember me.  I've visited my doctor, the nutritionist, my doctor again and so on and so forth.  I've asked a ton of questions and gotten a lot of information and I have to say-not all of it added up.  What I liked about this book is that things are laid out in ways that make sense and the disconnect between prescribed "best practices" and what actually happens in the body are pointed out and explained.

The emphasis is on nutrition but this book takes more of a holistic approach towards health that I really appreciate.  You should definitely give it a read, if not a try.

*I have been experimenting with primal eating for the last three days.  As I said, we've tried this before but this time I am paying more attention to what is happening in my body and monitoring any changes.

Let's Try . . . Larabar Jocolat!

It looks like it should be delicious.  I’m always a sucker for chocolate in non-shiny packaging. 

It is, however, healthy.  Healthy chocolate is always hit or miss with me.  Mostly miss. 

The Product

Source

Ingredients

Gotta love these ingredients though: Dates, Almonds, Walnuts, Cocoa Powder, Unsweetened Chocloate, and Cashews-all organic.

Review

The first bite was kind of meh.  I think that has more to do with the fact that the bar looks like a decadently fudgey brownie . . . and it really isn’t.  On second bite, the complexity of the flavor really starts to come through.  It’s dark chocolate with hints of crunchy, nutty, sweetness.  It’s really kind of a cool combination.

Final Thoughts

I think if I had already started the refined sugar purge that Wes is on, I would be madly in love.  Since I still have a taste for the supersweet stuff, I am maintaining that Larabar Jocolat and I are just friends.  (It will be interesting to see how my tastes change as I wean myself off of sugar.)

How Does Your Garden Grow?

One of the great things about living in graduate housing with a large international student population is that resources are made available that a lot of Americans wouldn't consider asking for.

Like garden plots.  Our university plows up a patch of land every year and doles out garden plots to interested parties.  Wes and I signed up for one and just couldn't wait to get to work in it.  The last frost is scheduled for March 23 but . . . who can wait to play in the dirt?

Check it out.

All Pictures by Me

We decided to divide our plot into a number of semi raised beds.  We got a used hoe from ReTool that came in pretty handy for this.  We also got all McGeyver and utilized some of little bit's toys as garden tools.

 

 We planted three different varieties of tomato and basil plants.  I was thinking pomodoro sauce.

We also planted two varieties of lettuce and bellpeppers.

And a whole, whole lot of onions!

We've never had the run of our own garden before and this is my first time growing anything ever so we'll see how it turns out.

I'm excited!

I Have an Addiction . . .

. . . called YouTube.

It's getting serious.

I have discovered that you can pretty much learn how to do any damn thing you desire on YouTube.  There are these awesome people who break things down into step by step videos called tutorials.  There's even one for making crack.  (I know this because one night I was all, "YOU CAN LEARN HOW TO DO ANYTHING ON YOUTUBE!!!!!" and Wes was all, "Can you learn how to make crack?"  I put it in the search box and well . . . yeah.  Apparently you can also make hot dogs at the same time.)

Anyway-YouTube is awesome.

My execution is somewhat less so as evidenced by my previous Alton Brown mishap and various undocumented hair disasters.  But the successes . . .  oh the successes!

Shall we talk about my latest find?  Zumba!

I am one of those people who is completely entranced by those Saturday morning BeachBody infomercials.  I am fortunate, however, to not be deluded about my actual level of physical skill.  P90X. . . oh hell no.  But Zumba . . .

Here's a confession.  I can't dance.  The Black authorities might take my Black card for making that known but it's the damn truth.  I suppose to be completely accurate, I should say that I can't dance well.  However, lack of ability does not negate the desire for serious dancing skills.  Zumba has your regular aerobic elements but the music and a lot of the moves make it feel like something way more fun. 

Ultimately, Zumba lets me live the dancing dream.  YouTube lets me do it for free in the safety of my living room until I can get up the nerve to attempt one of the many, many classes offered in the area.

Check it out!

Is Wedding Fit . . .

. . . like being Prison Fit? In the sense that one is pumping iron under pressure?

Here are my thoughts on weddings and weight loss, which are pretty similar to my thoughts on weddings and weaves. . . .  Why are we expected to do everything in our power to look like someone completely different on our wedding day?

There is incredible pressure to jump on that bandwagon.  The presence of weight loss advertisements on wedding websites and weight loss discussions are just part of the package.  I didn't realize how much until I became a member of the Offbeat Bride Tribe.  Over there discussions about wedding weight loss are strictly verboten.  The absence of advertisements and discussions makes spending time on the tribe so much less stressful than cruising other websites that it was really kind of shocking.

What bothers me most about those discussions and advertisements is that they all approach weight loss on a purely aesthetic basis.  It's all about looking great on your big day.  I find that approach shallow and decidedly unhealthy.  As a plus size girl myself, I definitely feel the pressure.  As a matter of fact, I spent days before my first dress shopping trip agonizing about my fat back.  Worrying about how I look however, reminded me that it's more important to focus on how I feel.

I don't want to call myself a drama queen, but . . .  totally.  I get anxious.  I worry.  I stress.  And stress makes me feel like shit.  Stress gives me headaches.  Stress makes me depressed and tired and whiny.  Stress makes me EAT like eating is going out of style.  In other words, worrying about my weight makes me forget about my total health.

Not a good look.

Am I trying to lose weight? Yes.  Is it for the wedding specifically? No.  There is life beyond the wedding and I want to fully participate in it on my terms.  To do that, I need to be healthy.

My goal for my wedding day is to look like myself.  A better than usual version . . . but still myself.

Eat Like a Caveman

So lately Wes and I have been experiencing with this little thingy called the Primal Blueprint.  It's less a diet, more a lifestyle and so far it's been pretty nice.  Cutting out a lot of carbs-not all because well. . .  cookies and chocolate. . .  has had some pretty interesting results.  Wes' maybe-maybe-not-eczema is not as severe.  He's no longer scratching like a flea infested dog all the time.  The red meat is making me pretty damn jolly and we've both lost weight without trying or obsessing about it.

Plus, we get to eat meat and we don't have to feel guilty about it.  I, like Anthony Bourdain, apparently, find something vaguely suspicious about vegetarians.

Check out my new standard lunch.

Yeah, I had already demolished half of it, but that is lovely, lovely, satisfyingly crunchy romaine lettuce, tuna, goat cheese, and mandarin orange slices.  Delish.