Monday, October 29, 2012

Silhouettes: Dressing the Body I Have

One thing I really struggle with is the challenge of dressing my body and my body's inability to mold itself like Playdoh to the appropriate shape for whatever I happen to want to wear at the moment.  On a practical level I have been addressing this by focusing on my health.  

On an impractical level I still want to be  seven feet tall which in my mind would make all my shit proportional and awesome.  No fuss, no muss.  So . . . 

Lately I have been tackling this issue with the much more reasonable approach of thoughtful shopping.  I know, I know.  I'm really not in the position to purchase anything right now-being unemployed and essentially homeless.  

This is actually perfect for thoughtful shopping.  

You see, I am the shopper salespeople love to see coming.  I will buy shit if you complement me just to be nice even when I know it looks like shit.  I will pay money for things I don't want or need just to get you to leave me alone.*

Being mostly unemployed and mostly homeless actually works to my advantage because I can just say no without guilt or remorse.  I can browse and even try on with the comfort of conscience that I totally would buy if I could.**

I stopped in at Avenue and tried on this dress.

Source: via Andrea on Pinterest

It is a web exclusive and the only reason it was in the store is because someone returned it.  All the other dresses in the store had that surplice top or faux wrap thing going on.  Both of those styles make my tits look like basketballs.  

This dress didn't have that going for it so I figured what the hell.

Friends. . . you guys . . . .  This dress, with it's crew neck, sleeves, drop waist, and full pleated skirt is the One.  

  • I had a waist in this dress.  
  • My fat back did not swallow the belt in this dress.  
  • I did not look short in this dress.  
  • The dress did not look like it was swallowing me.  
  • I was kind of hot in this dress.  
  • And most importantly-I did not look top heavy in this dress.

This is like a pulling the sword from the stone moment.  I just hope you can appreciate it. 

Let's check the tally. . . .
Things that DON'T work:
  • Surplice tops
  • Wrap tops/dresses

Things that DO work:
  • Tank dresses
  • Scoop necks
  • V necks
  • Drop waists
  • Full skirts
*Now that I've armed you with this knowledge the only ethical thing to do is to keep your Girl Scouts and Mary Kay people away from me.  

**I do still rehang all of my clothing though.  I can't be the dick who leaves it all on the dressing room floor for someone else to clean up.

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