I didn't feel that.
I was ambivalent. I wanted to teach, but I wanted to teach because I felt I needed to be a teacher to be an ally and an advocate for students like me, poor, female, and of color. I wondered if I was being too sensitive about my student teaching experience. Maybe I was projecting.
Ultimately, I don't think so. I don't think I was imagining the unwillingness to talk about the reality of teacher bias or the dynamics of race in schools in seminar either. I picked my focus districts purposefully. I wanted to live and work in a district where the demographics of the student body demands a different approach, where the progress and positivity narrative had to be applied to students of color if only because there were no other options.
I guess you can tell practicum was pretty harrowing.
I brought all of that up to say this . . . . I didn't feel what I thought I would feel sitting in seminar with my classmates.
I feel it whenever I approach the city for a job interview, when I'm sitting in the car in the parking lot, when I'm forcing myself to breathe in the office. I mentioned before that I have very little experience with wanting anything this much. That sick feeling in the belly, the butterflies, the anxious excitement. . . . totally make it all worth it.